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"Love is Not Love Until It’s Tested: The True Measure of a Relationship"

Written by: Nebraska Couples Coaching (NCC) Promoters of Happily Ever After!


When someone says, “I love you,” what does that really mean? Those three words are powerful, but they’re just the beginning. Is it a promise? A feeling? A forever thing? What is the commitment behind the words spoken? Our coaching research confirms for us that hardly anyone asks that question. The statement of love is taken at face value so when spoken, the meaning (as well as the understanding) is "assumed" at best.


We all want love to mean something profound, but love isn’t truly love until it’s put to the test. Real love reveals itself in action, resilience, and the way it endures through life’s inevitable storms.


Saying “I love you” is easy when times are good, but love becomes real in the challenges—those moments when you have to choose to stay committed, forgive, or simply be there even when it’s tough. Love isn’t love until it’s tested, because that’s when we discover whether it’s built on real, lasting foundations or simply fleeting emotions. It's easy to say for most, and harder to action for many.


While that is sinking in and your head spins, allow us to dive further into this thought.


Love is Not Love Until It’s Tested

Testing is a crucial part of any relationship. In fact, studies show that couples who have faced and overcome significant hardships together report a higher relationship satisfaction rate of over 70% (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships). Life brings tests in many forms: illness, financial strain, or unforeseen events. It’s these moments that reveal whether love is merely convenient or genuinely committed.


When love is tested, it’s forced to show up in action. It’s easy to love when things are smooth, but love that stands the test of time is the love that stays resilient, especially when things get hard. Love isn’t love until it’s tested because that’s when we see if it’s built on solid ground or fleeting emotions.


Love is Not Love Until It’s Unconditional

Testing love also means understanding it beyond conditions. Over 50% of divorces, for instance, occur because one or both partners feel love is given conditionally (American Psychological Association). When love is tested, it shows up unconditionally, even when there’s nothing to gain and everything to lose. This isn’t about tolerating mistreatment; rather, it’s about demonstrating commitment, forgiveness, and understanding through tough times.


Love is Not Love Until It’s Actionable

True love translates into action, especially in trying times. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who engage in small, consistent acts of kindness and empathy have a 50% better chance of long-term success. These actions, such as showing up when things are tough or supporting each other during setbacks, are what makes love real. Love that’s actionable is love that sustains—it’s there when things get hard, not just when it’s easy.


Love is Not Love Until It’s Resilient

Love is more than surviving together; it’s about thriving through trials. Couples who practice resilience in their relationship tend to report a deeper emotional connection, especially after overcoming tough times. Statistics reveal that enduring hardship together can increase a couple's emotional connection by 30% (Journal of Marriage and Family). Resilience is the backbone of a lasting relationship, and it’s in moments of testing that resilience truly shines.


Love is Not Love Until It’s Vulnerable

Vulnerability is challenging, especially in times of conflict or struggle. But it’s through being open and honest, sharing fears, and asking for support, that relationships deepen. According to research, couples who practice vulnerability in their relationships experience up to a 40% increase in emotional intimacy (University of Houston). Testing moments often force us to be vulnerable—to confront our weaknesses, share our fears, and ask for forgiveness or understanding.


The Takeaway & Learning

Love isn’t just a noun—it’s a verb, an action, a commitment that becomes real only when tested. These challenges act as a mirror, reflecting the strength and authenticity of the love we hold. True love is the kind that shows up in resilience, embraces vulnerability, and turns trials into triumphs.


Take Action with NCC

At NCC, we know the journey isn’t always easy, but we believe in fostering love that not only survives but thrives through life’s challenges. Whether you’re looking to strengthen your bond, overcome a setback, or elevate your relationship to new heights, our certified coaches are here to guide you. Let’s work together to create the kind of love that endures—tested, true, and transformational.



Have you faced a relationship test that brought you closer together? At what point was it that you knew it was authentic love and not just a rush of emotions and feelings? Share your experiences and thoughts in the comments below!


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